White is the stupidest colour
by thisloveisradiant
Summary: Basically a mini crack AU fic inwhich everyone tries to avoid the curse of white-haired anime male characters.


Totsuka has a big, deep, prolonged secret. The secret that he has tried so hard to hide and has gotten so far but in the end it doesn't even matter. The previous sentence may sound familiar but Totsuka swears he doesn't rip off some famous songs it's just great minds think alike.

It's revealed like this.

"It's fine…it's fine, don't sweat…it." Totsuka breathes the last words, slowly dying in Yata's hands.

Kusanagi lowers his head in pain and regret.

"T-Totsuka-san! You can't die. You're not supposed to die!" Yata cries. "You have blonde hair, blond characters are supposed to be either the happy naïve dumb ones or the prince kind! You're certainly the former one!"

"Rude…" As Totsuka coughs blood he pushes a bottle of hair washing gel into Yata's hands, much to the poor boy's confusion.

Kusanagi immediately knees down, eyes as wide as European dishes. "Don't tell me…" He dumps the entire bottle on Totsuka's head. "You're…"

The yellow dye seeps out of Totsuka's hair, revealing the silver colour behind, so it's sort of a white and gold halo on his head.

"Totsuka you little shit…If you're not dying right now I'll beat you black and blue."

"GODdamnit Totsuka-san you're a WHITE-HAIRED male character all along why didn't you warn me OH MY GOD if I knew I could have prepared for THIS and may not be emotional breakdown right now what the bloody hHELL TOtsukaaa-sannnn!"

"Ah…' whispers the dying man. "I guess…I couldn't avoid it….my fate as a white hair anime male is…deep-rooted."

"Aren't you taking a little too long to die?" Kusanagi sighed.

"Get it? Hair. Deep-rooted. Hahah..ugh." And with that he dies.

. . . .

"So…Tatara dies because his hair is white?" Anna says softly.

"Pretty much. He dies or he suffers a tragic life." Kusanagi shrugs. Fate is a cruel bitch.

Anna remembers that she saw Totsuka's fate ages ago. She thought the man would certainly die if he stayed at Homra – now that she thinks about it, Totsuka would die whenever he was after all.

"Izumo. What's the colour your hair?"

"Blonde. True blonde. Yellow. Golden. Real hair. Actual hair. Ugh."

"What about everyone else's?"

"None of them has white hair. I think. At least they're supposed to. They really should. They must."

"What about mine?"

"Eh…."

Yata and the alphabet boys try their hardest to distract Anna from the conversation. But the little girl runs to Mikoto and asks. To which he answers bluntly. "It's white."

Everyone faces palm. Kusanagi mumbles "You think "Don't do it." Then he does it. Oh god helps me."

"What?…She's a girl."

Anna's speaks blankly. "My parents are dead."

"…"

"I got kidnapped."

"…"

"I like Tatara and he just died."

"…"

"I think my life is qualified as tragic…"

"Anna…"

"…Does it mean I'm actually a boy?"

Everyone faces palm again.

. . . .

Mikoto dies. Murder-suicide death or whatever. It's so fucking planned out that it's ridiculously suspicious.

As such, Kusanagi drags Mikoto's body to the rear of the school island and washes the latter's hair with so much unnecessary strength. Other Homra members just stare.

"What is Kusanagi-san doing…"

"He's making sure he doesn't have two white-haired best friends."

"Three actually. Count me in."

"I told you Anna…you're not a boy."

Mikoto's hair is fucking white.

"Woah. I've never seen someone looks so betrayed in my entire life!"

"His eyes look empty."

"Darker than black. Deader than dead fish."

"…Hey…Is he…washing his own hair?"

"…Is he trying to drown himself now?"

"Did he already lose his faith in humanity!?"

"W-Wait! Please calm down Kusanagi-san!"

. . . .

Being informed about Homra's situation, Kuroh thinks about his choice of companion and regrets everything.

"Meow! White hair isn't that bad!' Neko fusses.

"Right…except our king was blown away in a fire storm to god knows where."

"He's definitely alive! S-Shiro is the immortal king, neh! He never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!"

Kuroh sighs. "Maybe I would be more confident if his hair wasn't white."

"That's it, if you all have a bad attitude with the colour of our hair why don't you experience it!"

 _Meow!_

All of a sudden, everyone in the city has their hair change to white. Hence chaos happens. The number of accidents and casualty shoots up like rocket in just a few minutes.

"Holly fuuuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkkkk it's the end of the woooooorld" Yata yells on top of his lungs, running full speed as a drunkard car driver keeps chasing him. His beanie flies away, leaving his new silver hair toss up in the wind.

"Argggghhhhhh what's the hell is happening I swear I'll kill the strain who's responsible for this fucking mess!" There he is, Fushimi whose white head is attacked by a murder of crows. He throws some knives but they keep stealing them. It looks like they crave that iron mineral.

Fushimi and Yata inevitability crash into each other quite painfully. The crows hit the car and send it into another direction, saving both their lives.

"S-Saru! So you're secretly a white-haired character too?"

"Hahh? Of course not. Are you stupid? I guess so, you're a typical redhead anyway. Angry idiotic virginal midget."

"What the fuck!? Who ever tries to put that many insults in just one sentence? You think you're smart just because you have blue hair, huh? HUH!? We''ll see!"

Yata grips Fushimi's collar and drags him to the nearest office supplies store despite the taller's protest. Then he grabs some red ink bottles and dumps them on Saruhiko's head.

"Ha! Gotcha! Who's the redhead now-!"

Fushimi uncharacteristically growls with sudden lively energy. With a wide smile and a passionate laugh, he pulls Yata's head down and pours blue ink on it.

After twenty seconds, Yata slowly looks up and clicks his tongue, calm face and flat voice. "Ah…this is so pointless."

"Pointless? That's it, you're asking for a fight, Misaki!"

"Tsk. You're annoying. Shut up, Saruhiko."

They fight as normal. Except Fushimi swings the saber rashly like a stick and sometimes does breakdancing moves while Yata handled the rod gracefully with calculated hits. If only they have put Ironman's armor and Captain America's suit and call it a civil war cosplay show, it'd be way cooler.

The fight between red-haird Fushimi and blue-haired Yata only comes to a stop when the blue king Munakata himself appears, an hour late with a cup of tea in hand. Being the king, he is the sole individual whose hair keeps its original colour. With a wave of his hand, Neko's devilish illusion melts away.

Also leaves Fushimi and Yata with purplish hair.

"I do believe we have the situation controlled now." Munakata smiles pleasantly. "You have recovery work to do in the center area, Fushimi-kun."

"I'm busy at the moment." Fushimi bats his eyelashes almost charmingly, putting the sideburn behind his ears in a seductive manner. It's a very creepy sight to look at.

"Captain. The west area is under control." Awashima stepped in with reports in hands. "The south area-!" She stops dead in track and drops the papers dramatically. They can even hear Mm whattcha say as the background music.

"…What's wrong, Awashima-kun?"

"Captain…you…"

"Yes?" There's caution in the blue king's voice.

"You…have a strand of silver hair! Oh no! Is your Sword of Damocles alright? No! You can't turn into a white-haired male character, captain!" She looks so very worried. It's also a creepy sight to look, in a different sense.

"Do not worry, Awashima-kun. It's merely a single weak strand of hair, probably due to the lack of sleep. I'm fine in every aspect."

"No you're not." Awashimi takes a box full of red beans from nowhere and pushes it right in front of Munakata. "Please eat this, Captain. It will help you gaining your energy back so you won't ever have white hair." She pulls a second larger box of red beans now and steadily comes closer to the captain.

He steps back slowly and throws a glance at Fushimi, who is pointedly looking away. Munakata raises a hand to do the glasses clicking light flashing thingy.

Click – click – click - flash – flash – flash – click – click -click

"What is your king even doing?" Misaki tilts his head to the side, being mysterious beautiful like a purple-haired character should be.

"He's sending Morse code using glasses, it seems." Fushimi shrugs. "Well then, I'm off to the center area, Captain~" He smirks and skips away, ignoring his miserable king. There're three stacks of red bean present now.

. . . .

Meanwhile, Shiro on the sky just laughs his inside out.

"Ah, it's so great that while I have white hair, I live forever."

The gold king chuckles. "You did die, though."

"Eh?"

"Your old body is gone for good. This body of yours right now is just a walking corpse of an unlucky white-haired boy. So you died like twice times."

"Ehhh….."

"In short, fate can't be escaped, haha."

"…You have white hair too, Lieutenant." Shiro sulks.

"It's old-age hair." The old man shrugs. "And I'm going to die anyway."


End file.
